i'm going to make a list. i will be crossing things off of it. it will happen.
here it is.....
* take better care of myself because i can almost guarantee the enormous cyst currently growing on my ovary has something to do with my health habits over the last three years.
* not freak out and put the cart before the horse i.e. convince myself that i have metastatic lung cancer when there are no signs pointing in that direction.
* not feel guilty when songs from college bring me back, its where i came from son!
* less tv, more reading (not the kind where i skim the pages until something interesting happens, but actually reading each word on the page)
* work on being confident; in my decisions, in my abilities, in my thoughts.
* get the fuck back to school. i finally miss it and i am craving me some academia. i want to learn again and work to get ahead.
* make the bungalow a home.
* be a better housekeeper (believe me, it won't take much)
* keep in mind that you choose your friends, not your family.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
THOUGHTS
1) Did the dating pool really just get infinitely smaller, or did your dick just get way more desperate?
2) Beastiality would be more appropriate behavior.
3) Gross-faces like you are the reason that the rest of the continental United States questions whether or not Mainers have electricity and front teeth.
4) What in the sam HELL will you tell your innocent children?
5) If 31 out of 50 states say its not a good idea, the odds are not on your side.
6) Talk about dodging a bullet.
7) Last I checked, there were around 6 billion OTHER people on this planet that didn't come from the same bloodline, shop that vagina catalog and see what you find.
8) If it looks wrong, feels wrong and smells wrong, chances are its wrong.
9) Incest is reserved for daytime soap opera story lines so women in housecoats and curlers can sit on their plastic covered couches, smoking their menthol Virginia Slims and dream about being ravished by the gardener who is also their 3rd cousin twice removed.
2) Beastiality would be more appropriate behavior.
3) Gross-faces like you are the reason that the rest of the continental United States questions whether or not Mainers have electricity and front teeth.
4) What in the sam HELL will you tell your innocent children?
5) If 31 out of 50 states say its not a good idea, the odds are not on your side.
6) Talk about dodging a bullet.
7) Last I checked, there were around 6 billion OTHER people on this planet that didn't come from the same bloodline, shop that vagina catalog and see what you find.
8) If it looks wrong, feels wrong and smells wrong, chances are its wrong.
9) Incest is reserved for daytime soap opera story lines so women in housecoats and curlers can sit on their plastic covered couches, smoking their menthol Virginia Slims and dream about being ravished by the gardener who is also their 3rd cousin twice removed.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
lo's laundry adventures OR reason # 712834 why i adore my mother
so while the fiance was away for the past few days, i decided to venture the hour north to visit my mom and stepfather. its always relaxing to go there for a multitude of reasons. usually, i end up there to do laundry instead of feeding the shitty machines in the basement of our building.
so anyway, on monday morning i was folding some laundry. i was the only one in the house as my mother was at work and the stepfather was in the garage with the step-grandfatherkindof. step-grandfatherkindof is also referred to as lucifer because he is a devious little frenchman whose english isn't that great but he knows how to say "sit on my lap" to both my sister and i. we usually just laugh it off and then run out of the room. anyway, during the course of my laundry the phone rang twice. the first time, i picked it up, said hello a few times and then hung it back up because there was no answer from the other end. i thought nothing of it. a while later, the phone rang again. story goes the same, EXCEPT for after i said hello the 3rd time, someone answered with what i can only describe as a if.i.don't.find.a.restroom.soon.i.will.shit.the.pants GRUNT. i was taken aback, but hung the phone up and laughed it off, thinking nothing of it.
when my mom got home, i told her about it and asked who in the world would call and grunt into the phone. her reply, "step-grandfatherkindof's girlfriend." she then went on to tell me that this woman doesn't speak english very well, which is all cool with me because its not her first language. the mom also informed me that the woman doesn't necessarily fire on all cylinders AND she has a drinking problem. at this point all i could think of was, wow three strikes and you're out. anywho, i said to my mother, "so does she have trouble talking because of the alcohol OR because she's just not all there?" my mother's deadpan response......"yes."
so anyway, on monday morning i was folding some laundry. i was the only one in the house as my mother was at work and the stepfather was in the garage with the step-grandfatherkindof. step-grandfatherkindof is also referred to as lucifer because he is a devious little frenchman whose english isn't that great but he knows how to say "sit on my lap" to both my sister and i. we usually just laugh it off and then run out of the room. anyway, during the course of my laundry the phone rang twice. the first time, i picked it up, said hello a few times and then hung it back up because there was no answer from the other end. i thought nothing of it. a while later, the phone rang again. story goes the same, EXCEPT for after i said hello the 3rd time, someone answered with what i can only describe as a if.i.don't.find.a.restroom.soon.i.will.shit.the.pants GRUNT. i was taken aback, but hung the phone up and laughed it off, thinking nothing of it.
when my mom got home, i told her about it and asked who in the world would call and grunt into the phone. her reply, "step-grandfatherkindof's girlfriend." she then went on to tell me that this woman doesn't speak english very well, which is all cool with me because its not her first language. the mom also informed me that the woman doesn't necessarily fire on all cylinders AND she has a drinking problem. at this point all i could think of was, wow three strikes and you're out. anywho, i said to my mother, "so does she have trouble talking because of the alcohol OR because she's just not all there?" my mother's deadpan response......"yes."
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
the man with all the toooooooooys
its the holidays, so holiday thought, kind of.
the title of the post is also the title of a beach boys christmas song if you must know, and i LOVED it as a small child. i remember the record jacket for the album. i believe it showed the beach boys decorating a christmas tree and they were all wearing the same outfit. even at 4, i knew that grown men wearing the same outfit was not normal. i'm a little upset, because now my beloved beach boys album has become standard muzak listening at the local rite-aid.
i like giving gifts better than receiving them. its not because i'm a martyr, its just because i'm really bad at the forced gratitude thing. i am more likely to congratulate someone on the extreme effort it took them to brave the lines at target to buy my gift over thanking them for the gift itself. i know, weird.
i don't like the stupid cinnamon scented pine cones at the grocery store. they put them out before halloween and they stink up the entrance until after new years.
new holiday drink alert. champagne and goldschlager makes a mean drink. AND its a new favorite because its one of those magical concoctions that takes two kinds of alcohol and makes them taste, ummm, not like alcohol. magically delicious.
the no doubt song, you can do it. i have been listening to it a lot recently, and i'm puzzled. its quite possible that gwen says "chicken do it" instead of "you can do it." i'm curious.
britney spears' little sister is pregnant. wha?? first of all, my parents would never allow me to LIVE with a boyfriend at 16 and secondly, i was still afraid of the penis at this point, so there would not have been any sexo. nothing says merry christmas like teenage mothers.
candy canes that are anything other than peppermint flavored or any colors except red and white are sacreligious.
this is the first year of my life that my christmas presents have been wrapped before christmas eve. i'm usually the one who waits until 9 p.m. to even start wrapping the mountain. and because i'm anal retentive when it comes to ribbon and bows, its a process.
i miss my dear friend who is in ecuador teaching english to short latinos. i sincerely hope the amoebas move out soon. come home so we can feed you yummy beer and thai chicken pizza!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
giving some thanks
first of all, i never update this and i want to be better about it. i'll give it a go from this day forward. i figure i owe it to the .3 people who might actually read this. moving on now.
thanksgiving was fabulous. i'll provide a list as to why.
1) i made a yummy peanut butter cheesecake that was demolished after thanksgiving dinner.
2) i used to think my grandmother's cheesy prayer before thanksgiving dinner was well, cheesy, but its getting to be not so much anymore.
3) making wreaths with my mother and grandmother and alternating between laughter and tears.
4) the grace under fire that the women in my family have demonstrated.
5) being told i remind them of my beautiful amazing aunt whom we miss every day.
6) pounding out christmas carols on the piano and realizing i didn't forget how to read music.
7) watching the fiance drive a tractor down a hill with the 79 year old grandfather riding on the back. and then watching the 79 year old grandfather drive the tractor back up the hill with the fiance riding in the bucket.
8) helping my cousin give a newborn calf its first bottle.
9) shoveling shit out of a calf pen.
10) listening to crazy great uncle frank tell me that the fiance looks AMISH and then ask me "where did he park the horse and buggy?" uhhhh, smoke another one?
11) drinking said crazy great uncle's gift of cheap apple wine and getting a little buzzed with mom and grandma.
12) watching my grandfather tear up listening to the story of how i used to sit at his mother's feet when i was little and jabber about life, while she would nod and smile but not actually hear a damn word i said.
just a few things, but most importantly, seeing the man i love more than anything happy and healthy for the first time in too long.
thanksgiving was fabulous. i'll provide a list as to why.
1) i made a yummy peanut butter cheesecake that was demolished after thanksgiving dinner.
2) i used to think my grandmother's cheesy prayer before thanksgiving dinner was well, cheesy, but its getting to be not so much anymore.
3) making wreaths with my mother and grandmother and alternating between laughter and tears.
4) the grace under fire that the women in my family have demonstrated.
5) being told i remind them of my beautiful amazing aunt whom we miss every day.
6) pounding out christmas carols on the piano and realizing i didn't forget how to read music.
7) watching the fiance drive a tractor down a hill with the 79 year old grandfather riding on the back. and then watching the 79 year old grandfather drive the tractor back up the hill with the fiance riding in the bucket.
8) helping my cousin give a newborn calf its first bottle.
9) shoveling shit out of a calf pen.
10) listening to crazy great uncle frank tell me that the fiance looks AMISH and then ask me "where did he park the horse and buggy?" uhhhh, smoke another one?
11) drinking said crazy great uncle's gift of cheap apple wine and getting a little buzzed with mom and grandma.
12) watching my grandfather tear up listening to the story of how i used to sit at his mother's feet when i was little and jabber about life, while she would nod and smile but not actually hear a damn word i said.
just a few things, but most importantly, seeing the man i love more than anything happy and healthy for the first time in too long.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
'i can't spend your love at the grocery store'
i'm totally over this whole "semi-unemployed" thing. i don't really enjoy sitting still, although the divine miss e would probably argue that i do like to sit still. especially if it involves long periods of time in my towel. but anyway, unemployment sucks. i'm not getting as much done as i would like to and you can only spend so much time pounding the pavement and writing variations of the same damn cover letter.
i'm at that point where i'm seriously beginning to question the choice to attend an overpriced private college. on occasion it feels as though i paid/am still paying for some killer lessons in beer pong and bad drunk choices. sure, i could wax poetic about how college helped me to figure out who i was, and maybe in some way its true. but.......not really. the world i lived in during those four years was NOTHING like the one i live in now. i remember less about classes and more about drinking games. i can tell you how to get drunk on a friday night for less than ten dollars, but i'm at a loss when it comes to anything i learned in constitutional law 1, except for the day when the professor kicked a girl out for rustling paper around. that guy was a prick. i learned what is was like to have a broken heart and also to break one. yeah, sorry about that. i also discovered that i will be paying an additional 50% of my principal student loan balance, just in interest. since when did education become a privilege instead of a right?
i'm at that point where i'm seriously beginning to question the choice to attend an overpriced private college. on occasion it feels as though i paid/am still paying for some killer lessons in beer pong and bad drunk choices. sure, i could wax poetic about how college helped me to figure out who i was, and maybe in some way its true. but.......not really. the world i lived in during those four years was NOTHING like the one i live in now. i remember less about classes and more about drinking games. i can tell you how to get drunk on a friday night for less than ten dollars, but i'm at a loss when it comes to anything i learned in constitutional law 1, except for the day when the professor kicked a girl out for rustling paper around. that guy was a prick. i learned what is was like to have a broken heart and also to break one. yeah, sorry about that. i also discovered that i will be paying an additional 50% of my principal student loan balance, just in interest. since when did education become a privilege instead of a right?
Sunday, September 23, 2007
you suck at life
its a terrible tragedy when people who truly want children are physically unable to conceive. it always seems like the people who would make great parents aren't able to become parents in a natural way. for those people, there are obviously other avenues toward having children both naturally and through adoption. but for some, even with these alternatives, it just is not possible. SOOO, when i read a headline that says "couple sues over twins, wanted baby" i get a bit riled.
my understanding of some of the basic facts of this case may be fuzzy because i didn't do any extensive research into it. basically, a couple from australia decided they wanted to have a baby, and so they chose to go the route of in-vitro fertilization. now, this is a horribly expensive procedure in the u.s. but apparently in australia, there are PUBLICLY funded programs to alleviate the costs. now, this couple signed a consent form saying that more than one embryo could be implanted, but told their doctor that they wanted only one baby. apparently more than one embryo was implanted and now the couple has THREE YEAR OLD twins, and they've decided to sue the doctor.
i can respect the fact that this couple got more than they bargained for, but filing a public lawsuit that involves your children and the fact that you didn't WANT one of them? can you imagine what will happen when those two children get older, because they will eventually find out about this. we live in an age where people know too much, so finding out about their parent's lawsuit is inevitable. i used to like australians, but now i'm going to have to re-evalute my position.
my understanding of some of the basic facts of this case may be fuzzy because i didn't do any extensive research into it. basically, a couple from australia decided they wanted to have a baby, and so they chose to go the route of in-vitro fertilization. now, this is a horribly expensive procedure in the u.s. but apparently in australia, there are PUBLICLY funded programs to alleviate the costs. now, this couple signed a consent form saying that more than one embryo could be implanted, but told their doctor that they wanted only one baby. apparently more than one embryo was implanted and now the couple has THREE YEAR OLD twins, and they've decided to sue the doctor.
i can respect the fact that this couple got more than they bargained for, but filing a public lawsuit that involves your children and the fact that you didn't WANT one of them? can you imagine what will happen when those two children get older, because they will eventually find out about this. we live in an age where people know too much, so finding out about their parent's lawsuit is inevitable. i used to like australians, but now i'm going to have to re-evalute my position.
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